Sunday, May 19, 2013

Why Everyone Needs a Little Kink and How to Get It by R. Brennan

When I sat down to think about what I wanted to talk about in today’s guest post, I decided to try for a “helpful” post that also had a touch of “me” in it.  And, since the majority of the erotic romances I write feature some sort of D/s or BDSM aspects to it, I thought I would delve into that a bit deeper and tell you all why I think everyone needs a little kink in the daily lives. Plus, I am going to try and give you a few simple ways you can incorporate it into your own lives -- should you be looking for a little extra spark.

Before I get started, I will say that I do have some real lifestyle experience and have dabbled in BDSM and D/s in my every day life. For many of you, this will not be a major revelation. (I’m sure my mother is laying on the floor if she’s reading this.) I really don’t keep that aspect of my life too secret, as it is something I am proud to say I enjoy. One of the major things I’ve learned in my journey into the “lifestyle” is this tidbit of sensual wisdom -- spice is very nice.

Whether you're single, divorced, married for a year--or fifty, there are some sure-fire benefits to the spice a bit of kink can add to your love life. These days, with the emergence of literary hits like 50 Shades and Tiffany Reisz’s Sinners series, kink is more widely accepted than ever before. Folks are curious, intrigued, and, dare I say it, turned-on by the prospect of playing out some of the steamy scenes they’ve been reading about.

Having been in the lifestyle, both active and not so much, for about fifteen years now, I have to say I find the power exchange aspects of the lifestyle the most exciting. Plus, I’m sort of a pain wuss. The trust required to truly give control of yourself over to your partner… heady stuff, folks, let me tell you. Sometimes the threat, the possibility of harm, the “mind f*ck” of BDSM play is the best part of all. There are about as many ways to enjoy BDSM play as there are types of sex toys. And, if you’ve ever been in a sex shop, even by accident, you know that’s a LOT.

Here are a few simple ways you can add a bit of kink to your bedroom time without diving head first into the D/s or BDSM lifestyles. I’m staying away from suggestions having to do with a polyamorous situation, to avoid the moral aversion some readers may have to more “open” relationships.

** Note: These tips imply a knowledge you and your chosen partner have established a trusting relationship.

1. Blindfolds are your friend. - One of the simplest ways I have found to add a twist of flavor to a standard evening of sex is by the use of a blindfold. There is a lot to be said for sensory deprivation play. Like anyone whose lost their sight can tell you, when they lose one sense, the others are heightened to try to take up the slack. This phenomenon can be experienced in the short term by enjoying a sensual romp in bed with a blindfold on. I’m sure I don’t need to get into specifics on the sorts of activities you could share in this scenario…but if you need some examples, just check out either Faith’s Gift or A Leap of Faith, as both feature blindfold play.

2. Pain doesn’t need to be extreme to be effective. - One of the first shocking things I learned about myself when I entered this lifestyle a million years ago was the realization of my enjoyment of mild doses of pain. I’ve already admitted to being a pain wuss -- so I really do mean mild. Start off with a bit of nipple play -- rolling them between your fingers, a little tug here and there. For the truly adventurous newbie, a pair of clothespins can open the door to a whole new sexual experience. If you try these lighter measure and find you have a taste for the tingling heat and adrenalin rush of pain stimulation, move up to a bare handed spanking mixed with a little bad girl or bad boy role play. I for one and a huge fan of the hand spanking, and would highly recommend you give that one a try.

3. Don’t be afraid to share your fantasies. - This one assumes the trust factor mentioned at the beginning of the post, but if you aren’t afraid to share the things that turn you on, you may be amazed at the options that open up for you in the bedroom. If you have always wanted to be the french maid seduced by the handsome lord of the manner, or the wench kidnapped by the dark, roguish pirate and bound and gagged in his quarters, helpless and at his mercy (okay -- this one might be one of mine), tell your partner, share -- you may be surprised to learn he or she is just as excited about the prospect of tying you up and teasing you mercilessly.

4. Be honest with yourself and your partner. There is no better advise I can give to a couple, whether they are part of the BDSM or D/s lifestyles or as vanilla as they come. If you are open and willing to share yourself honestly with the ones you love--or even the ones you just have the hots for--there is no limit to the bliss you can find in the bedroom and out.

R. Brennan has two titles available through Evernight Publishing. FAITH’S GIFT is part of the Vanilla-Free Christmas anthology and A LEAP OF FAITH (Romance on the Go) released as a solo title on May 15th. You can learn more about R. Brennan at her writing by visiting her blog:, following her on FB at, or for the truly daring, stalk her on twitter: @bexbrennan

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